Q: My 2 1/2 year old is very unruly. He hits, throws, kicks and screams when he does not get his way. People have said that it is just the age, but he has become unmanageable. He will not stay still for a time-out, taking away treats does not bother him and I do not like to spank (when I do he just hits back). What is the best way for me to discipline him?

A: It sounds like you have your hands full! And although your son's age is a time for tantrum behaviors, it sounds like it is more than you can manage at this time. Disciplining a child is really teaching he what you DO want or expect from him. Sometimes, you have to set limits, and then ignore the response back to you.
We also suggest you enlist some support for yourself. If your son is in a childcare program, we suggest you consult with them on his behaviors at the center. Ask for assistance in devising a "behavior chart" program. This should be implemented both at school and at home so there are consistent messages and redirections. If your son is not in a childcare program you can still create a behavior chart/reward system at home. The chart program should be geared towards positive rewards. Earning rewards by making good choices. Mind you, the rewards may be picking the game to play with you, special tickle time, stickers, etc. They don't necessarily need to cost money.
We support your decision against spanking. You are right it only teaches them to hit as a solution to a problem. We also suggest you consult your center/program and your insurance company for a referral to a child psychologist for further help, direction and support for you and your son's struggles. There may be stresses in both of your lives that contribute to his acting out. There may be a serious problem which we are not able to diagnose over the internet. Consulting with a professional will help sort out and rule out any other possible related problems. Good Luck and keep breathing deeply!

Q:My son is 4 years and 6 months old and he is in a 3 1/2 year old class. He is in this class because he is a little delayed in his speech. He is also still learning his colors, shapes, abc's, etc. He has the desire to learn and is learning, but sometimes he has a short attention span. He is currently going to pre-school 3 full days a week, do you think that if I were to put him in 5 full days that it would help him to advance a little faster? I decided to hold him back from kindergarten until July of 2001 because with the advice of many, felt that my son is not ready. Is this the best decision?

A: Your decision is a reasonable one given what you've shared. We're not sure who "the many" are that advised you: friends or professionals? With regard to your son's continuing development, mental stimulation (activities, games, excursions) and opportunities for him to learn are wonderful! In deciding about how many days to attend per week of school, you want to look at his current energy level and responsiveness. It seems like you might want to try 5 days a week and see if there are any significant problems that arise (more tantrums; greater frequency of complaining). At his age, 5 days a week of school (3 hours a day) is pretty normal. You can always choose to modify his schedule if a pattern of problems or difficulties show. If you haven't yet, consider contacting your local school district office and ask about their early screening prevention program. They can assess your son's educational needs, and, with you, create a educational program appropriate for him. Good luck!

Q:My son is about to turn three years old and his behavior is getting out of hand. He throws frequent tantrums and seems to whine about almost everything. For example, this morning he cried when we were at the car and we had forgotten the keys and his Dad ran upstairs to go get them because he wanted to go too. This lasted about 15 minutes because he continued crying in the car. Or last night he cried because after dinner because I went to take the trash out and he wanted to go too. Should I be concerned?

A: Don't be too concerned. Throwing tantrums or fits is pretty normal for three year olds. It is appropriate to set limits with his behavior. Also, you can briefly explain what you are doing or what's going to happen, and what you expect from him. This won't stop the outbursts, but your son will eventually begin to understand and learn appropriate behavior. Being consistent in your response to his behavior. Use the same phrase, such as " I understand you are sad, but you need to be a good cooperator right now," over and over. Good luck and keep breathing!

Q: My 2 1/2 yr old daughter will not sleep through the night. It does not matter if she is in my bed or her own. Usually when she wakes up she is extremely loud that she wakes the whole household. My older daughter is falling asleep in class because of this. Generally she will request a bottle the each time she awakes (2x's), but other time she just yells. HELP!

A: It's not clear to us if your experience is recent or has been happening for several weeks or months. Probably the first thing to check on is her physical health. You may want to consult with your Pediatrician to rule out tonsil problems, ear infections or something else which might cause your daughter some pain.
The behavior of your child is not clear due to a lack of details we have around you and your daughters' bedtime routine, responding patterns and length of problem. It may be that your responses to her screaming may actually be reinforcing her behaviors. Your willingness to respond each time that she wakes (and give her a bottle) may in fact set a waking time for her each night. Also, if you want to eliminate the bottle feeding during the night begin giving her a watered down bottle and progress to 100% water over several days or so. The water won't be satisfying and soon she'll learn to sleep instead.
Lastly, many children experience night terrors at your daughters' age. Be careful with the stimuli she's exposed to (television, books) which may create scary images. It might be wise to check with a child psychologist in your area to assess the situation.

Q: Our son is 3 1/2 and he refuses to sleep in his own room. We let him pick out his own bed and bedding for his room and will lay there while we read a bedtime story but once it is over he has to go in our room and lays down on the floor there. We wouldn't care if he just went to sleep but he stays up till late (10pm or so) and he must wake up early (5:30 am) for daycare. This just isn't enough sleep for him (or us) and are at our wits end. Any suggestions? Thank you

A: Bedtime problems are very common. Some children are good sleepers and some have trouble. Setting up a bedtime ritual and consistent clear limits are important. Because you are asking about your son, we are not sure if there are other children in your household which may contribute to the problem. In other words, is your son the oldest and has he been used to sleeping with you until now. Is there another child on the way which may make him unsure of his place in the family (and your bed). Is he the youngest and has been catered to by everyone? Whenever an expectation is put on a child it takes a while until they are able to develop their routine.

The late hours your son keeps is a concern. We agree that 7 hours of sleep is probably not enough for your son. It is normal for children to sleep long hours. We are curious about what keeps him up so late? Does he take a nap? And, when is that? If it is near the later afternoon this may be contributing to his late night bedtime. Here are a few ideas:

- Examine the routine you have right now, that means nap times, bed times, rituals, etc. Does he nap in his room during the daytime or weekends? Find out what the difference is, if any, about day and night.
- Have a conversation with your child and listen as to why he doesn't stay in his bed. Is he afraid? And if so of what? Ask him to draw (as best as he can) what he is afraid of in his room at night.
- You can set up a "sleeping in your own bed" chart which would celebrate and reinforce with positive rewards his "staying in his bed" behaviors. You can have him help you create it and you can laminate it to draw happy faces or put stickers on it when he is successful. You want to talk about the successes he is having and what a "big boy" he is for being successful and how proud you are of him. When failures come, and they will it is all in the learning, tell him how confident you are in him and that you KNOW he will do better tomorrow. And after so many happy faces he can earn something he loves (food, candy, a ride, a small toy, renting a video, etc.) The rewards do not necessarily have to be big or expensive just something he REALLY likes. We potty trained both children with gum.
- Create a structured routine with a clear bedtime. Structure is important in helping children to learn expectations and how to be successful. One example of a structured bedtime routine may be:
6 o'clock =dinner
7 p.m.= bath & P J's
7:45 p.m.= bedtime stories read to him in his bed
8:00 p.m.= lights out

Your work/commitment requirements will dictate the timing of the evening routine. So far, your son has "learned" one bedtime routine. Getting him to sleep in his own room through the night means he needs to be taught another routine. Children have more resiliency than does the average adult about accommodating to new learning experiences.
Any deviations or changes in the schedule may cause problems to occur. So at least for the first month or so maintain the schedule, even on the weekends. Develop your new routine, and good luck!

Q: My daughter is 4 1/2 years old. We have always had trouble with her at night time, however, lately it has become worse. When she was little, she would never want to go to bed. So, like most new parents, we rocked her until she fell asleep and then put her in bed. Now, we are suffering the consequences. She is terrified of the dark and cannot fall asleep unless one of us is in the room with her. We have tried many different ideas, but most of them involve her crying and screaming, which then awakens her little 1 year old brother who shares the room with her. We have a small 2 bedroom home, so they have to share a room for now. She ends up in bed with us every night because in the middle of the night, we are both so tired we let her climb into bed with us. We know this is the wrong approach, but we just don't know what else to do. Do you have any ideas for us? Help!!

A: We empathize with your situation. It seems that parenthood = sleeplessness! We are not sure you should be upset with yourselves for soothing your child by rocking her to sleep. Being afraid of the dark is a normal and natural occurrence for a child. Some never have it and others more readily display a concern for what they cannot see. Remember children have a very active imagination! There is a philosophy of parenting called the "family bed" which encourages children/families to sleep together. Many cultures have supported this way of raising a family and is now becoming more and more popular in the United States.. The claims are that incidents of SIDS (sudden infant death syndrome) has been reduced in family bed families because the mother/father's tossing arouses a child in the night and helps them wake to adjust themselves so they do not suffocate. This type of arrangement can be very wonderful and nurturing, however, it is important that the parents agree to this arrangement! Otherwise, there will be trouble for the marital relationship. So allowing your child to sleep in your bed is not necessarily the "wrong approach" as you stated. Other ideas may include: - Examine your bedtime rituals. By that we mean, do you read to her in her bed and snuggle until she falls asleep? Or are you still rocking her in your room? - It just depends on your comfort. You can set up reward system. Such as a "sleeping chart" which is based on positive rewards (stickers which may be earned/transformed into privileges). - A night light may bring in enough light for your child to feel safer. - You can get an object ( a representation of you) to have her snuggle with. This may be a pillow from your room, a blanket, a special sleeping doll/animal, etc. to help her feel safe through the night. - Going to the library, bookstore, or shop on-line for books on being afraid of the dark and discussing it with your daughter. Find out what she is really afraid of. Good luck and we know you will move through this stage soonŠ..and onto another one!

Q: Our grandson who is 3 has shown more interest in guns and shooting. We know that this type of interest is not reinforced at home or by his parent. Any suggestions on how to handle this type of behavior. He has, also, pick up the habit of spitting. Any other suggestions on what we can suggest to the parent?

A: Typical behaviors in pre-school ages are interest in guns and spitting behaviors. Regardless of the reinforcement at home or not, society surely has and interest in guns and violence. "Bad guys and Good guys." Policemen, cowboys, etc..., carry and use guns. Some Super hero figures also show some sort of weapon to fight the bad guys. There has been research to show that boys tend to display more active/aggressive play/behaviors than girls. Reinforcing values and redirecting behaviors is always a good place to start. Excessive worry at this stage may bring on more attention to the object than you want. Attention is attention and children will seek it whether it be positive or negative. As far as the spitting, immediate response by the parent can be helpful. Either through a "time out" and a follow up discussion of what the child should have done instead of spitting. Or speaking firmly at the time of the incident that "spitting is not allowed!!" "Stop now please!" Also, showing him where and when he can spit may become helpful in containing the behavior.